文字起こし (en)

Excuse me. It's none of your business. You're kind of making it my business here. I just moved in upstairs, and my Wi-Fi sucks. So if I have to listen to every drunk asshole stumble out of here at 5 a.m., I'm at least gonna use your free internet. Wow, okay, hi. Um... I'm Tom, and if you're gonna be using my free Wi-Fi, at least you could do me a favor and not write shit like, I want to wake up with my best friend. Unless you want my dick to fall off, and then maybe we could become best friends, then that'd be awesome. Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet, so I know what I'm looking for. Yeah, that's not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you're a pretty girl. This is New York City. There's like a billion people outside that door. Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here. Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right? It does. But half of them are women, And as hard as I tried in college, I don't swing that way. How hard did you try? Let it go. Okay. So, four million men. And then you gotta have some age limits. Let's say over 20. Gotta keep it legal. Under 40. Keep it sexy. Now it's a million. Right. We're talking about a million guys. But half of them are married. Ten percent are gay. I want someone college educated. Not too ugly. So? There your boyfriend I wish He gotta be be taller than me And he got to want kids So, yeah, I'm on 10 different dating websites to increase my odds. So what do you say? You let me treat this bar like it's my living room, and I won't call the cops every night with a noise complaint. Okay. Very cute. These are the women? Mm. Thanks. Mm. Mm. We're round. Stupid. Ask me for a rum and coke if you think you're gonna die. Oh, you said on your profile you're a big dreamer. No, please. No, no, I think I want what, you know, everybody wants. Cross off some things on the bucket list. So what is on your bucket list? Usual stuff. Wrigley Field. Dolphin trainer. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. I love dolphins. Love since forever. No, no, you know, because the normal ones are already checked off, you know, hot Carl Dirty Sanchez yeah golden shower that one I actually checked off by accident. Thank you prom So these aren't Career goals or life goals. These are more Sexual things have you ever heard of the whack-a-mole? Rum and coke are you really? I didn't think you'd want to do a rum and coke with me I don't know first I gotta find a live hamster so I guess I could trap a street rat We are in New York. Rum and coke! I gotta go shave my legs. Drink more water. Okay. Yo. Go lock yourself in my office.